Nikhil Joshi, M.D.
Doctor, Author, Leader
Nikhil Joshi is a young physician, writer, and speaker. He is passionate about furthering his ability to touch the lives of people positively.

What’s up with Men?

What’s up with Men?

What’s up with Men?

Hi! I’m a man. That’s all the qualification I have to write what the hell is wrong with men and women and dating and everything. This obviously means I’m woefully unqualified. Seeing as how I’ve never let that stop be from commenting before, I’d say there are maybe 7 issues we need to clear up- some of it explains problems that are occurring at this stage in time, sometimes it’s just timeless classics. And no, this isn’t just going to be a bashing of men or women as I find those articles to be useless. Here we go.

7) My boyfriend doesn’t like hanging out with my friends

Okay look- do you enjoy his friends? Are they warm, and kind, and even if you broke up you’d be sad to lose them? If the answer is no, and he doesn’t want to hang out with your friends then the answer is simple- you guys just don’t like each others’ friends. That’s okay. Do men and women have to share absolutely everything? No. You get to have girls nights with your friend that we think is a loud hot mess, and you in return get to leave us with our crude Neanderthals we name as friends. Bonus points if both of you don’t have friends who suck. I always love a girl with really cool friends. So what I’m saying is- if this isn’t your problem you’re doing something right. Congratulations. And if it is- then consider letting each other play separately.

6) People of the opposite sex as friends

After struggling with this for an extremely long time, going back and forth and everything I’ve come to this conclusion: yes, men and woman can just be friends. It is possible for it not to be sexual. But that’s a really really rare thing. Most ‘friendships’ between men and women have within them an undercurrent of attraction, and in the right set of circumstances, some friendships could lead to sex. So if your girl sense is twitching that one of his girl ‘friends’ really wants to sleep with him and hates you- I’d trust your gut. And guys- yes obviously tons of her guy ‘friends’ want to sleep with her. But that doesn’t mean she sees it the same way, so acting like a jackass is ridiculous. Sack up and trust your girl.

5) Talking to an ex makes things complicated

Look I get it- you don’t have to hate your ex’s. That’s not healthy. Not at all. But when a girl tells me she’s talked to her last ex weekly for the last three years my warning bells go off. It’s at the very least a piece of baggage that no relationship needs- things are hard enough to make things work as it is. A message here and there is no harm. Being friendly and civil if you see each other is a good thing. But that’s where it ends. You can have your ex in your life or a new person. Not both.

4) Sex

Sex is awesome. Have it. Sex is not always awesome at the beginning. That’s okay. Work on it. You’re two people who are learning to trust and be intimate with one another and yourselves- give yourselves some time to figure these things out. Talk about it. Guys- it is NOT okay to neglect her pleasure. Care about what she wants. If you took half the energy you use on your fantasy football team you’d be Prince in the sack. Girls- don’t make us beg for it/act like you’re doing us a favour by having sex with us. That is demeaning and everytime you do that we dream of this wonderful girl who’ll actually want to have sex with us and treat us like a man. I get it- sometimes you don’t want to have sex, but if you listen to that voice all the time then eventually we fall into a sexless relationship. Don’t use sex as a reward or tool to try and modify a man’s behaviour. That’s entirely abhorrent.

3) Men be men

Oh guys, why is it so hard to not be a weak noodle or a jerk face loser? No, a girl does not want you to check in with her over every minute decision of your life. Yes, she wants a man who can make decisions and be decisive. Defend her honour if need be. Be a red blooded man. Eat a steak. That doesn’t mean be a jerk face. She doesn’t want a guy who cheats, or makes her feel small. She doesn’t want you to rule her life. She does want you to be able to listen and she does want to discuss things as part of the relationship. Don’t complain as a guy that only d-bags get girlfriends and then NOT approach a woman. The reason that d-bags get hot girls is because they are the ONLY ones trying and you are busy being snarky and sarcastic when if you really looked in the mirror you would realize that you don’t approach women. You don’t say ‘hey I saw you over there and I just wanted to talk to you’ because you’re afraid. Because you’re a coward sometimes. You know what? Rejection from someone who doesn’t know you isn’t that bad. And in 90% of cases if you’re not creepy women are very open to having a guy approach them and talk to them. Do NOT dance with a woman from behind as your initial approach- how AMAZINGLY creepy is that- going where a woman can’t see you and trying to grind on her? That’s super gross and creepy and I think should be considered a form of sexual assault. I think that if you do that as a dude you should stop. Like yesterday.

2) Don’t try to manipulate/change each other

The one line that Brie Larson says in Don Jon (great movie) is extremely telling. She’s talking to her brother about his ex-girlfriend, a woman he thought he was in love with. She says that she’s just the type of girl who wants a guy who will do whatever she wants him to do. Sometimes some people just grind us to dust and break us slowly because they’re looking in us for something that’s not in them. Sometimes people don’t love themselves and try to make their partner love them so much that it makes up for that hole. No one can do it. It’s not possible. Oh you can train a person and marry them. Especially with men, you can totally break a man and have that man do everything you want and own him body and soul and he may be stupid enough to worship his captor. But that hole inside, that pain, that feeling of worthlessness we all get from time to time, that’ll never go away. And usually the girl just hates that guy so much because he’s a sniveling weakling and his self respect left him long ago. Or maybe he’ll one day snap under the pressure and leave. Or more likely cheat since no one in that relationship is having sex that either really enjoys.

So what’s the point of all this? Love you and be happy with you. If you’re not- don’t be in a relationship it won’t make anything better. If you are, if you are a walking, talking girl who likes herself, who smiles and laughs and has friends and dreams, then men don’t care if you don’t look like Beyonce, men would love to eat dinner with you and open doors and be really cool to you. I know they’re not coming up and approaching you right now, I’m working on them right now, just give it some patience, you will win, because you ARE a catch. Nothing is sexier in a woman than happiness with herself. There are a ton of guys who disagree with me, but they’re knuckle dragging Neanderthals and are void of anything of worth. Just because guys in a night club always hit on your friend who is also hot and loud and dresses provocatively doesn’t mean anything. You’re awesome. Believe that.

1) Men- pay for dinner

I was once with a beautiful girl 4 years ago and her name was F. We had a wonderful relationship, then a terrible break up and we didn’t speak to each other until after I was diagnosed with cancer. We had dinner soon after to catch up. And over the next few months we did- and when we had enough comfort we started talking about what happened in those years we weren’t together. And she told me about her trials and tribulations with dating. And she shared that she had dated a string of men who sucked. She dated a guy for a month, who for that whole month- actually had HER pay as he ‘forgot’ his wallet on every date. I asked her ‘why’? For the months we were together, I’d take her to five star dinners when I could afford to do so, and I would never let her pay. It’s one of the pleasures of being a man- being able to provide. I mean guys- what else do we have? What else makes a man a man other than his ability to provide? I’m NOT saying you have to do it all the time, I’m just saying you should do it when you can. And if you can’t afford to pay for it as an expensive restaurant, that’s okay, a cup of coffee is a fine date too, but the ACT is an important act of chivalry.

So I ask F why, after I had showed her how she should be treated, why did she settle for all these jerk face losers? “Because that’s all I found for years!” she said exasperated “I just thought to myself that things with you were never going to be that way again” she told me “but then I met Bruce, and he was the exact same way, and I knew then that he was going to be an important relationship in my life”. And this man could not provide her with the same amount of dinner or gifts that I could, but that didn’t matter because whatever he could provide for her he did. And because he took care of her to the best of his ability that’s all that mattered to her in the end- not WHAT he could give to her, but HOW MUCH he wanted to give to her. And as you can imagine that it’s strange for an ex-boyfriend to give respect to another guy who dated a girl he loved- but I will say that this guy sounds like a great guy, and if I could I’d shake his hand and buy him a beer. That’s what a man is. Some guy will say what about gender equality? “I thought girls were equals!” he would say with his ugly face to which I would reply “Women are equal to men idiot, but that doesn’t mean what we want/need/have to offer are the SAME things, they are as different as people of one gender are to one another which is to say completely different.

Hey! Thanks for reading and giving me a break from all the cancer stuff. It’s nice to just write about a normal topic you know?

Peace, Love and Happiness
-N.

One Response to “What’s up with Men?”

  1. France

    I enjoyed your article and want to thank you for your words of encouragement regarding men! I’m managing some health issues, so have actually set aside dating for now. My friends don’t get it (“you should be dating!”, they insist), but I want to get well within before looking for or starting a new relationship. As my health improves, the shine will come back in my eyes, I’ll be flashing them smiles all around and dating will follow. The men you’re training will be ready by then, right? Cheers! 🙂

    Reply

Leave a Reply