Nikhil Joshi, M.D.
Doctor, Author, Leader
Nikhil Joshi is a young physician, writer, and speaker. He is passionate about furthering his ability to touch the lives of people positively.

Santa’s Reply

Santa’s Reply

BEFORE you read Santa’s letter to me, I strongly recommend you read the previous letter I wrote to him. Also as with all these posts: reader discretion is strongly advised.

Dear Nikhil,

Ho ho ho! Fuck you. You think you’re the first person to make a crack about my weight? Oh let’s all make fun of the guy who spends his life bringing toys and happiness to children, and let’s call him fat. Well fuck you you little shit- I DO have Diabetes and I’m on Metformin. I’m on a waiting list to see your Dad. I’ve also joined a gym- speaking of that have you been working out? Oh no? You can’t? On chemotherapy and can’t work out? Whose laughing now bitch?

And I do know which Nikhil Joshi you are. And yes there are a million of you. But you’re the only one in St. John’s so you can feel better about it. And no, you’re not the only one with cancer so stop thinking that makes you fucking original.

Oh you’re surprised Santa is cursing? Well maybe I’ve got my own fucking problems without having you dump all your cancer shit onto me. I’ve got union issues, and flight issues. You can’t just fly around anymore you know. I mean it helps that I’m white and old, but still- no fucking picnic.

But since it’s that time of the year why don’t we talk about some of things you want? The first thing you want is for me to think of and get gifts for your parents. You lazy little shit- they’ve been looking after your cancer riddled ass for 4 months- if you have time to “write” (read: jerk off) onto the internet 3 times a week you have time to think of a good gift for them. You don’t want to go to a crowded mall because you have cancer? You could have shopped online if you thought about this earlier. Seriously for a brown kid who loves Christmas you are really behind the 8 ball. And fine, you and your family get props for having the spirit of Christmas- but you still can’t have JFC because if someone coughs on you you might fucking die. So if you want to spin the roulette table go right ahead, but I did that in Vegas and ended up sleeping with the reindeer. Do you know how much Reindeer shit? A fuck load man. There was shit EVERYWHERE. I mean good thing we were staying at a motel where a crack head was murdered- standards were low, but still, a losing streak in Vegas is an ugly thing. Mrs. Clause left me shortly after that. 100 years of marriage over because of one little STD I gave her. She gave me socks for the last 50 fucking Christmas’s and I never complained once.

To steal a line from you “But I fucking digress”- think of your own goddam gifts and pick them up during the day. There shouldn’t be too many people there. If you have a problem bring a surgical mask- sure you’ll look fucking weird, but a brown guy rocking out to a Michael Buble Christmas is strange enough so go for it. Remember to wash your hands. I do see people whether they are naughty or nice and the vast majority don’t wash up after going to the bathroom. Nasty. Oh and your ‘Santa is a pedophile’ joke wasn’t original either shit sipper.

Let me see what was the last thing on your letter? Oh right. You want to be magically cured of cancer. Okay why don’t you climb into your closet bureau and go to fucking Narnia? Oh wait there is no Narnia or magic cure for cancer? Well the shut the fuck up and be thankful for the bag of chemo I’m sending you on the 27th. Luckily someone using science has found a cure for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, it just requires you to not be such a little bitch and complain all the time. *Whine* But Santa I don’t want anymore chemo…well tough luck, I didn’t want to spend my time perusing the internet for Christmas themed pornography- the holidays are tough for us all motherfucker.

Yours truly,
Santa

P.S. Your dad bought you that ping pong set when you were 6. I’m not even fucking real.

One Response to “Santa’s Reply”

  1. Cindy

    OK- enough- you fucking crack me up!
    Been reading your posts here in Ontario since the beginning, but have not felt compelled to comment…until now…dude, you gotta get some help, or something! But i fucking digress….
    I have passed along your link to some family members who are heading into your arena of discomfort….my aunt has been diagnosed, and her kids are like fucking ostriches, they’ll asphyxiate on the proverbial sand that their heads are stuck in. So, i passed your wisdom along to them, as a way to lighten (is that possible, really?) the reality of it all, and hopefully to enlighten them a bit to what their mother will be facing. Incidentally, she is a Newfie too! Small world!
    So, i guess what this ramble is supposed to say is: thanks, man….your sucky situation may just help some poor slob through a tough time, with a true blue laugh out loud. You were meant to have cancer…yeah, that sucks even to write, but the reality is that you likely would not have found the profound depths of yourself without having crawled through a few C-holes…so, i guess in order to be the person that God or whoever meant for you to be, you gotta get to the other side of this shit. You aren’t done doing what you need to do down here, so buck up, enjoy the bag of chemo on the 27th, thank the science gods (oxymoron?) who invented it, and just fucking get on with it.
    End of rant.
    Have yourself a merry merry merry Christmas.
    Rooting from Ontario ~
    Cindy

    Reply

Leave a Reply