I’m ALIVE! Just got out of the latest chemo hole. It was a remarkable horror, that I will not recount here, but instead today we should celebrate something wonderful- Love. Thanks for being there, thanks for the messages and phone calls and all the Love- I needed it.
I recently spoke to a long time friend of mine from Calgary. And we spoke at length about our favorite subject which is love. My life has changed a great deal in 2013. I loved and lost a great deal. Which is to not say the year was bad- no, it was the richest year of love of my life- it just also had the greatest heartbreaks. I’ve never been so alive as I’ve been this year, I’ve never been so awake as I have been this year, and I’m not sure if that is a good or bad thing, I don’t think I can frame it in terms of positive or negative. It just is.
We were speaking in particular how not all people feel the same about love. Some people find discussing it to be maudlin. Some people don’t really like romantic love- they’ve got their own things in life they like. Some people don’t want someone to be truly close to them- and who am I to say that there is a right or wrong way? All I’m here to state is that I think it’s the purpose of human life. I think we’re here to love. That’s it. That’s my answer to the big question. Doesn’t make it right, just makes it right for me. And I think so many people feel the same way. I think the world is full of people in love, looking for love, and who have suffered for love. And I think all of it is entirely beautiful. Even after all the wounds I have suffered from surrendering to love, I still believe more strongly than ever that it’s the answer to all my questions.
But the thing is, I do have cancer, and that does complicate things. I don’t believe my medical condition makes it impossible for me to be loved, far from it, I don’t think any condition makes it impossible for anyone to be loved- but I think they do make it harder. In the news recently there was a man with neurofibromatosis, which caused him to have many tumours on his body and face, and he was being blessed and was kissed by Pope Francis. I’m not interested in discussing the rights and wrongs of religion, I don’t want to touch that with a ten foot poll, but I was thinking- how hard must this man’s life have been? How lonely has his existence been? How much ridicule has he endured? Is it pessimistic of me to assume that he has known tremendous hardship in finding romantic love? And I also thought, that whatever your take on religion is- that the act of comforting someone who had endured those things was a brilliant act, that made me proud to be human.
And then I thought of myself. I thought of a party I was recently at, and a stunning young woman I was talking with. At this junction of my life, I’m open to whatever life’s got for me, and so we spoke for a while and I was having a great time, when in the course of our conversation she learnt I was not joking about having cancer- and when she knew that everything changed dramatically. Our light and enjoyable banter became strained, she became awkward, unsure of what to say, and I in turn also felt pretty awkward, excused myself to play beer pong with some of my friends (I’ve been actively trying to sharpen my game). And after we finished the game I wondered what if this will be hard forever? What if after, and let’s assume I’m cured, it’s scary for someone to get involved with me because I have had cancer? I mean newsflash- having had cancer is some significant baggage. Or is it really? I think on the flip side, of the things from partners I have endured in relationships: a range of OCD spectrum habits, various lifestyle choices, medical conditions, scars from past relationships- and I think to myself- isn’t it all really the same thing? Doesn’t it all boil down to- how willing are we to surrender? How willing are we to love someone else?
I realized then that as long as my capacity to love someone else kept growing, as long as I could keep on loving someone more deeply than I could the day before that everything was going to be alright in time. I don’t doubt that it will happen in my lifetime, because I’ve had cancer and have been given this rare opportunity to see and believe in people. I’ve suffered and have been loved and comforted- that’s all I’ll ever need to believe that people are good, to believe that as long as you never abandon love it’ll never abandon you. And the thought of sharing that idea with you made me happy. Have a great day.