Nikhil Joshi, M.D.
Doctor, Author, Leader
Nikhil Joshi is a young physician, writer, and speaker. He is passionate about furthering his ability to touch the lives of people positively.

This is the End

This is the End

It’s over.

Oh dear sweet merciful fucking God it’s finally over. For the last few months I’ve been blasted with chemo, watch my hair and life circle the fucking drain, but it’s finally done. At least I pray it’s fucking over. I can’t even handle the possibility that it’s not, so we’re going with it being done. This thing is fucking over.

The whole thing was entirely surreal mixed in with moments of genuine nightmare. There was a single touch of death and madness in every chemo hole. A voice beyond the ability to hear that faintly told me it’d be easier if I just died or went insane. I have done neither, but don’t think I didn’t consider it more than once. Cancer showed me that living at any cost is not the type of person I am- I’ll take death over lengthy suffering. Call me whatever the fuck you want to- I’ll take oblivion over misery any day.

I can’t tell you how much you fucking mean to me. I can’t tell you how you got my ass through this fucking thing. I wish you could know what it was like for me, what it was like to be dropped like a fucking bad penny as soon as I had cancer, only to be lifted up and loved in the most incredible way I’ve ever been in my life. I felt people from all over the world genuinely give a fucking shit about me, care about me, love me even- that’s so incredible and you should know that the smile I had on my face through this whole thing was because of you, and don’t ever think that I forget you or don’t fucking see you because I do and I’m so happy you’re fucking alive.

Yeah it’s been horrible, but there’s enough of that in the world and I’m not going to add anymore. It’s also been beautiful, there’s also been so many moments that occurred that defined myself, that defined my life and its relationships. So many people went to the fucking mat for me and I’m grateful. I didn’t know what I was doing when I started living this whole thing openly and having a blog- I mean I think at first it was just my way of dealing with it- I’ve always liked to write. But it was even before that first post came out, I told everyone I had cancer and was straight up about it. The reason is the same I’ve said before- I’m not fucking ashamed I had cancer. It was a shitty thing and it happened to me and I tried my best I could to live it like a blessing and help other people because that gave me joy. Because I’m a selfish bastard and will always be proudly. And there are so many people out there holding onto shit in them, because they’re afraid of what the outside world will think or how people will treat them. If there’s one thing I’d like to give to everyone, if there’s one thing I’d love to give my daughter especially if I ever have one- it’s to not give a fuck what anyone else says or thinks about you. This invisible world where we worry incessantly what other people say, because of the way things might look- well fuck ‘em. Fuck all the little shitty assholes who want to fucking gossip about you. They’re wastes of life anyways. Don’t be ashamed of you or what happens to you- we’re all victims at one point in this life, and I truly mean this- whatever has happened to you is not your fault and I hope you forgive yourself- because the world does care, it really does, but the heavy lifting of this life has to be done by ourselves. We are given a monumental task in this life: to love and make ourselves happy. This is a task we can give to no one, not our family, not our partner. Because it is each individual’s own responsibility to make themselves happy- no one else can possibly do that for you. And yes, even when you have that there will be lonely days. There will be days when, fuck, you might have cancer and be in a chemo hole so fucking large and dark that you wonder if you’ll ever escape. But it’s in those moments that you are allowed to cry into the dark “I’m alone and I’m fucking suffering.” Because it’s when you utter these words that the world will rush to your side and say “No, you aren’t alone. I care” And this for me redeems every shitty time I’ve ever had with humanity, every person who quit on me, every fucking crime on tv, every history lesson that starts and ends with genocide it’s all okay because in the darkness I felt the love of this world in my darkest moments and now I know that I’m whole as an individual and that this world and life is full of beauty.

It’s finally over. Thanks for being there. I’m going to take a nap and then drink a very large glass of wine. Love you guys.

-N.

2 Responses to “This is the End”

  1. Michelle

    Well part of me feels like crying, both tears of happiness that you have reached this point, and of sorrow because I LOVED reading everything you write, even though when you were suffering my heart literally ached, I found reading some of the blogs so hard because I could not imagine that kind of pain, and I wished and prayed that you would get through it. And now you have. I’m sure along with thousands if not maybe millions of other readers, I wish you so much joy and happiness and HEALTH! It was SO fucking great today to see and read this fucking blog because the number of fucks showed me how great you are feeling and made me feel great too! I have learned SO very much from, been SO inspired by you, and for that there are not sufficient words to thank you for managing to write no matter how much you suffered. None of us (who have not had cancer) can even begin to fathom what it took for you to give so much of yourself to us – so may you live to be at least 110, continue your practice in our beautiful province (I truly believe that your living in Newfoundland is what gave you some of that strength that got you through all this! HA) and I really hope you continue your blog some day. Until then I will miss you so very much but feel so happy for you! THANK YOU AND GOD BLESS!

    Reply
  2. Dan

    Dear Nikhil
    I am a Newfoundlander living in Alberta. I too have cancer and have very much enjoyed reading your very candid reflections, spiced with a Newfoundland sense of humour. I have at times laughed and cried. Your writing has helped me deal with my own situation, crappy as it often is. I long to see on a chemo drug label “Take with a large glass of red wine” rather than “take with food” – I live in hope. I am very happy to hear you have finished your treatment and are doing well. I wish you and your family all the best.
    Dan

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