It’s 4:23 AM. And the room is too hot. I turn off the heat, open the door and walk downstairs for some water. A hoarse voice calls out to me “Nikhil! Are you alright?” It’s my father. Why is he up right now? Because he can’t sleep. Because this fucking cancer has taken his peace of mind from him. Life’s fucking shitty sometimes. “Yeah dad I’m totally fine!” I call out to reassure him. Maybe that’ll give him 15 minutes, maybe he’ll get an extra hour. But now that fear has entered his mind, will it ever go back to being the same? Will he ever sleep well? Or even if this is all over- will he dream of my possible recurrence of cancer?
This thing sucks but I’m tired of it sucking. I’m tired of worry, I’m tired of wondering about all the negative things of cancer. I’m tired of all the things cancer has taken me from me- but I’m even more tired of bitching about it. I’m Nikhil Joshi- I’m rock and roll and bourbon. I never let anything hold me back from being me and having an awesome time. Even the worst things in my life never stopped me from having fun, finding love or doing any of the important things in my life. The only way to restore my father’s sleep or my mother’s peace of mind, or anything is being more of me. I can’t let cancer take my smile or my love for 90’s music. I can’t let cancer lead me to fear because Yoda said that’d lead to the dark side and I’m pretty sure Yoda was right about everything. Well you figure he would have told Luke that he kissed his sister. Ha! Joke’s on you Luke! Jedi mind trick your way out of incest! But seriously folks. Incest is wrong.
Of course we all want to live to 80 and be loved and rich and drive fancy cars and have planes. But that’s not going to happen to all of us. Some of us will live to 80, some of us will be loved, some of us will be rich- but it’s very rare for anyone to get all three. And if I can only get one- I’ll picked being loved.
It’s time to fucking party. It’s time to celebrate. It’s kind of like that part in the second Matrix movie. You know when the machines are coming but the game plan is for everyone to get into a cave and have a crazy orgy/dancing scene? Morpheus is basically like “we could be fucked- but you know what fuck those fucking machines, let’s dance bitches”. And my prognosis is much better than those poor fucks had- so I’ve got even more reason to dance. I’m no longer neutropenic and can dance with anyone- but most important I’ve got Billy Idol- and luckily dancing with myself is one of my favorite songs.
And all I want to let you know is I hope you dance today- even if it’s alone. I hope you laugh and find joy today and don’t let the little things bother you. Call up an old friend- go downtown, have 3 AM Falafels- because our time here is finite. I know you feel like you’ve got forever, but that might not be true. And if these are the best years of your life (whatever years you are living) than don’t waste them being pissed off about trivial shit. Life is about how much joy and love you can cram into the space of your life before you croak. Mystery solved. Time to cram this motherfucker.
Peace and love